Radical Acceptance: A Crucial Parenting Skill

Written by Dr. Anna Precht

It’s 7:32 a.m. Your 10-year-old hasn’t put on shoes, despite multiple prompts. Your teen is still in bed, texting friends that school is “pointless.” You’ve got a stressful workday ahead. Why can’t they just do what they’re supposed to?

Your heartrate is going up; your muscles are tensing. You’ve tried everything. The kids are not doing what they’re “supposed to.” I never was like this as a kid. It’s not that hard to get up and put on shoes. My parents would never allow this. They should just get in gear. Your anger goes up another notch.

Welcome to Nonacceptance, aka, fighting reality… while reality keeps doing what it’s doing. Which is to say: Fighting reality doesn’t change reality. In fact, it makes you feel worse and keeps you stuck—and maybe more likely to say and do things that make the problem worse.

If you’ve ever had a morning like that or thoughts like those or if you’ve unintentionally made the problem worse, you might already see why acceptance is one of the most underrated parenting skills. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), radical acceptance is the practice of fully acknowledging reality as it is—without trying to argue it into a different form.

Radical acceptance is loosening the clenched jaw and opening up your fists (literally and mentally). It’s decreasing your own suffering as well as creating space to figure out how to change the problem you’re facing. Maybe instead of yelling at the rain, you choose a different activity and pick up an umbrella.

Acceptance is Not Giving Up. So What Is It?

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean liking or agreeing with reality.
It means fully acknowledging it as it is, without fighting it.

It is not resignation. It’s not defeat.
It is not “Oh well, this is going to be awful forever.”
It is not “I guess my kid will never go school.”

It is dropping the mental argument with what is already happening.

The food is already spilled.
The meltdown is already going on in front of you.
The teen already thinks math is worthless.

Radical acceptance is intentionally recognizing: This is what is happening right now.

Then—and only then—deciding what to do.

What Makes Acceptance So Hard for Parents

Parents often resist acceptance because they think it’s surrender. They tell us: “If I accept this, I’m letting it continue.”

Nope. Acceptance is acknowledging reality so you can actually change what’s changeable.

Refusing to accept reality is like refusing to follow the recipe, insisting that you know how to proceed. It’s digging in, not stopping to get directions when you’re lost. And you keep getting more lost. It’s stomping your feet and pounding your fists about what you believe “shouldn’t” be happening instead of dealing with what is. Acceptance is taking a breath and saying, “I’m lost” and then saying, “Now what?”

Parents sometimes hold on really tightly to the idea of their authority and being “strong,” and for them, that might mean fighting, rather than softening and allowing the acknowledgement of something painful. Denial.

When people accept the reality that they don’t like or wish weren’t happening, the anger softens—and sadness arises. The sadness of a child with significant mental health struggles or medical issues or the family circumstances that are out of your control. Allowing the sadness that comes with acceptance is important and necessary! It’s also hard because it can feel more vulnerable and “weaker” than the fight. But the fight doesn’t get you anywhere.

Let go of the old ideas of what “strong parenting” is. Unclench your fists from how you or your children “should” be. Don’t avoid the sadness of reality.

How to Practice Acceptance

Acceptance not a light switch that you flip and it’s done. It’s a practice that you do over and over... and over.

When faced with things not going your way (how many times a day is that for parents?!):

- Pause when you notice the judgment, the fight, the “should” coming up.

- Take a breath. Longer exhale. Soften the tension in your face.

- Describe the facts to yourself. “This is what’s happening right now.” (“She’s not going to school right now.” “There’s puke in the car.” “He’s in the hospital.” Be clear and descriptive.)

- Notice how the fight starts to come back. Slow your muscles from tightening.

The anger comes down and sadness might come up. Then there’s space to consider how to respond.

Start practicing today. Fortunately/unfortunately, your family and the world will give you many, many opportunities to strengthen the skill.

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