Finding the Balance Between “Too Loose” and “Too Strict”

You can be firm and clear—and flexible

The most common questions parents ask us are, “When should I push my kid harder and be more strict? Am I being too easy?” and “Am I being too tough? Do I need to let some things go?” We’ve all known parents who are on the extreme ends of the “Loose versus Strict” spectrum: Ones who are completely laid back and let anything fly—and others who keep very tight limits and rules.

As is true of most things in life, there are pros and cons to both. Wise Mind Parenting finds the best of both sides and is able to move flexibly as needed between the two poles.

In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), the tension between these approaches that seem opposite has a name: a dialectical dilemma. It can feel like being pulled in two parenting directions at the same time, each with real risks, each motivated by love. Here’s a look at each:

Too Loose (or Too Permissive):

• Not having or enforcing structure or rules

• Letting things slide to avoid conflict

• Lowering expectations when things feel fragile

This often comes from compassion, fear, exhaustion, or wanting to protect a kid who is struggling. And it makes sense—when your child is hurting, the instinct is to ease the pain. No parent enjoys seeing their kid distressed! And reducing demands can sometimes make a relationship feel better in the short-term. Alas, when kids don’t have rules or expectations, it can sometimes feel unsafe or anxiety-provoking—and the approach doesn’t teach important responsibility or ability to tolerate demands and limits.

Too Strict

• Rigid rules and consequences

• Tight monitoring and correction

• Little room for negotiation or emotion

This usually comes from fear too—fear that things will spin out of control, that limits won’t stick, that your child won’t learn responsibility without firm boundaries. As an approach, this can be attractive too! The belief is that kids will learn right and wrong and how to behave. And, alas, as the other side, it has downsides too: The relationship can be damaged, the kid may rebel, and it runs the risk of feeling stifling.

Both sides are understandable. Both are attempts to help. And both can backfire.

The Middle Path

Neither “too strict” nor “too loose,” Wise Mind Parenting aims for “Have limits and structure—and be flexible.” If only, as with most things in parenting and in life, there were a clear equation of how to get to the middle, balanced ground between the two!

The middle path, though, changes based on how old your kid is, what the circumstances are, their skills, and your own skills. It’s always moving, and it’s much easier to find when your emotions are regulated. As we’ll continue to emphasize here, DBT doesn’t ask parents to pick a side: It helps them to hold both at the same time.

So What Does This Look Like?

A dialectical approach sounds like this:

• My daughter is vulnerable and needing support and is strong and competent.

• My child needs compassion and structure.

• His anger makes total sense and this behavior can’t continue.

• I can completely understand how hard this is and still observe a limit.

This is not weak parenting. It’s not indecisive. It’s skillful.

In DBT terms, the Wise Mind, Middle Path goal is steady, fair, and flexible—clear expectations paired with emotional validation.

Balance might mean:

• Allowing space for feelings and keeping a rule or limit firm.

• Sometimes allowing rules to flex (when not driven by emotions).

• Collaborating on solutions while keeping non-negotiables (like safety) non-negotiable

• Being consistent and willing to repair when you miss the mark.

Time to Reflect

Where’s your typical parenting zip code: Do you tend to skew too strict or too loose? If you have a spouse or partner in caregiving, what’s their tendency? What emotions might keep you on one end or the other?

Take a low-stakes situation that’s happened recently and look at it. Could you have loosened or tightened? What might that have looked like in practice?

DBT reminds us that growth happens in the tension, in the wrestling to find the middle path—not by eliminating emotions or conflict.

If this feels hard, that’s probably a solid sign you’re standing in the spot where change is possible: holding love and limits at the same time.

And that’s Wise Mind Parenting. Thanks for reading! Subscribe for free to our Substack to receive new posts and support our work!