Getting a Handle on Fear in Parenting with Opposite Action
Written by Dr. Anna Precht
Feel like you tiptoe around your kid? Or like you need to plow any difficulties out of their path?
Dante’s 15-year-old son, Trevor, is irritable…to say the least. Dante asks how the day went, Trevor yells at him. Ask him to pick up his shoes? He gets snapped at. Dante walks in the room, his son grumbles at him. He feels like he can’t do anything without risking conflict. He feels like he’s constantly navigating a minefield, trying to avoid conflict or upsetting his kid. Over time, he avoids asking about the day, avoids asking to pick up shoes, avoids even walking in the room.
Fear is a powerful emotion in parenting. We fear our kids will get hurt, will fail, be rejected, struggle socially, or fall apart emotionally. No parent wants their child to have difficulties or be distressed. Sometimes fear helps us to pay attention and problem-solve or protect. Other times, fear causes bigger problems.
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), our skill for responding to fear that isn’t in response to immediate danger and that isn’t helpful is Opposite Action. The gist of it is this: do the opposite of what fear is telling you to do.
For parents, it can be transformative.
What Is Opposite Action to Fear?
All emotions have action urges. Fear tells us to avoid, to get away from what’s dangerous. If there’s a hungry lion running toward you, you run. Basic, but that’s fear in action. Hungry lion running toward your child? You grab them, protecting them, and then you run. That’s helpful fear!
Sometimes though, like in Dante’s case, above, not walking in the room to avoid conflict isn’t helpful. A 15-year-old grumbling is unpleasant, to be sure, but it isn’t dangerous. Although the avoidance might feel better in the moment, it probably makes both increased fear and conflict in the future more likely.
Being afraid can also prompt parents to try to control situations, to make something feel safer or more certain. Sometimes, that can look like overprotecting or like being a snowplow, pushing any obstacles out of the way of their child so everything goes more smoothly. It’s another form of avoidance.
Opposite Action means intentionally doing the opposite of the fear-driven urge when the fear isn’t helpful. It teaches your brain that you can handle it and you don’t need to run away or control things.
Opposite Action is not about ignoring real danger. If your child is in unsafe situations, fear is useful. But when fear is about discomfort, uncertainty, or your own anxiety—Opposite Action will help everyone long-term.
Examples of Opposite Action to Fear in Parenting
1. Letting Your 11-year-old Child Try Something That Scares You and Them (That Isn’t Dangerous)
Voice of fear says: Don’t let them go to the party. They might have a total meltdown.
Opposite Action: Notice your fear and breathe. Help them prepare, drive them there, and encourage and don’t over-reassure. You validate and help them prepare.
2. Encouraging Independence Instead of Rescuing
Voice of fear says: Do everything for your kid so they don’t struggle or get distressed.
Opposite Action: You don’t order for them at the restaurant or finish the homework assignment. You breathe and notice the urge to jump in and solve. You validate and help them prepare, if needed.
3. Talking About Hard Things Rather Than Avoiding Them
Voice of fear says: Avoid conversations about emotions, mental health, substances, bullying, or identity.
Opposite Action: You open the conversation gently. You notice your own anxiety and urge to avoid and breathe through it.
4. Letting Go of Constant Reassurance
Voice of fear says: Reassure constantly, with things like “Nothing bad will happen.”
Opposite Action: You validate your child’s emotions… and encourage tolerating it.
Why Opposite Action Works (for Kids and Parents)
Opposite Action is not forcing your child into dangerous situations, nor is it pushing down emotions and feeling nothing. It’s being able to separate “dangerous” from “uncomfortable”—and practicing tolerating the discomfort, while helping your kids to tolerate it too.
Fear leads to avoidance. And avoidance strengthens fear. Which leads to bigger avoidance. Around and around it goes, the whole time the brain is learning that avoidance is more comfortable (which it labels “safe”) and approaching is dangerous. Opposite Action teaches the brain that you can tolerate being uncomfortable and still be safe. The more you do it, the stronger and more confident you feel.
The same thing is true for kids. When we encourage them to do uncomfortable things that might feel scary and not to avoid, they become more resilient and courageous and they feel better about themselves.
Step-By-Step Opposite Action to Fear: Plan for Parents
Notice your fear and the urge it creates (eg, withdraw, avoid, control).
Ask: Is this dangerous or is this uncomfortable?
Choose a small step that’s opposite to the urge.
Validate your own and your kid’s emotions.
Notice how you and they get through it.
And keep looking for more opportunities.
Fear is part of parenting. (This is necessary!) Opposite Action doesn’t mean you’re fearless or that you become fearless. It means the fear doesn’t control you.
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