I Know It’s Important to Validate…But How?
Written by Dr. Anna Precht
There are six levels to practice. Here’s what they sound like.
Parenting is full of moments when emotions run high—your child’s and your own. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), validation is one of the core relationship skills, and it can be one of the most powerful tools you have as a parent: for their emotion regulation and for your own as well as for the connection you have.
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with your child’s behavior. It doesn’t mean giving in, lowering expectations, or letting go of limits. It simply means communicating: “Your experience makes sense. I get it.”
That message alone can calm intense emotions, build trust, and then make problem-solving possible.
What NOT to Do: Here’s What Invalidation Sounds Like
Invalidation often comes from good intentions: trying to teach resilience or solve the problem (including when the problem is distress). It can also come from parents’ strong emotions and judgments. And it can feel like dismissal or judgment. Here are some examples of invalidation, which will likely increase distress and make your problem worse:
Minimizing: “It’s not a big deal.” “You’re overreacting.” “Just sit on the bike and ride it; it’s not hard.” “Just calm down.”
Comparing: “Other kids have it worse.” “When I was your age, I didn’t complain.” “You were fine when this happened before.”
Jumping to Problem-Solving First: “Just ignore them.” “Here’s what you should do…” “Start by organizing your assignments.”
Blaming or Shaming: “You shouldn’t be angry at this.” “You’re being ridiculous.” “Why would you cry about that?”
How to Validate, Even in Tricky Situations:
In DBT, there are six levels of validation. They can be mix-and-matched; different ones might work in different scenarios. Here’s a breakdown of each:
Level 1: Basic attention (being present). Ever try to tell someone something and they keep looking at their phone? It feels lousy! For this level of validation, think eye contact, a well-placed “mhm,” or a slight nod. Communicate with your face and your body that you are present, listening, and paying attention.
What it looks like: Put down your phone when your teenager is talking with you. If you have to attend to something else, say something like, “I can’t give you my full attention this minute. I’m going to finish this and then I want to hear about it.” Look at them when they’re talking.
Level 2: Basic verbal reflection. Reflect back what you heard to check for and communicate understanding. Don’t parrot back word for word (that’s weird), but sum up a bit.
What it sounds like: Your 12-year-old comes home crying; kids made fun of her during gym class and she tells you how sad she is. You say, “This feels so terrible! You’re so hurt!”
Level 3: Reading between the lines. This is going a little deeper than basic reflection of level 2. You are reflecting back what is said and what is not said. It’s a little bit of mind-guessing (not mind-reading!) about what they might be feeling.
What it sounds like: Your kid is looking tense, not saying much at all. You might say, “I wonder if you’re feeling stressed about that math test you took. You studied so hard…”
Level 4: Understanding in context. For this level, you need to know something about a person’s unique history or experience—and communicating understanding based on that.
What it sounds like: Your child is starting at a new school and is understandably anxious. To make it level 4, you validate, “Of course you’re nervous about this—especially given what happened in your friend group last year!”
Level 5: Normalizing. This is basically saying, “ANYONE in your shoes would feel this way!” It’s saying that what they’re experiencing is completely normal and expectable, not just given their history, but given that it’s a human response.
What it sounds like: Everyone got invited to the theater groups’ cast party… except your kid. “What! Of course you feel left out!”
Level 6: Shared vulnerability or radical genuineness. Key point: This is NOT total permission to tell your kids how you felt the same as them, which can be invalidating. (Their thought, “Like, hey, I thought we were talking about me!”) But being radically genuine can land in a powerful way.
What it sounds like: Your young adult son gets harshly dumped by the person he’s been dating, when everything seemed to be going well. “What the heck?! Are you serious?! All signs pointed toward moving ahead!”
What Validation Is Not
Validation is often misunderstood. It is not:
Praising
Agreeing
Ignoring limits or consequences
The DBT Balance: Validate Feelings, Not Problematic Behavior.
A core DBT idea is dialectics—holding two, seemingly opposite truths at once. You can say: “I totally get why you’re angry--and it’s not okay to hit your sister” or “It makes sense that you want to skip school today, and going to school is still the expectation.”
Why Validation Is So Powerful
When children (and people of all ages!) feel validated, they:
Calm down faster
Feel safer sharing emotions
Build trust in the relationship
Become more open to problem-solving and limits
When children (and people of all ages!) feel invalidated, their emotions may escalate, they may shut down or hide their feelings.
You will not validate perfectly. No parent does. Sometimes you’ll react quickly, get frustrated, or miss the mark. What matters is repair—coming back and saying:
“That didn’t come out the way I wanted it to. Lemme try again?”
That, too, is validation. And sometimes it sounds scripted at first, especially if it’s a new practice. You can be honest with your kid that you’re learning. Again, that’s validating too.
We’ll keep writing about this skill here, so stay tuned and keep practicing!
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