Is There A Feeling Beneath The Feeling?

See How Anger Comes Out Instead of A More Vulnerable Emotion

When my daughter was 9, I walked her into a new activity. As much as she was excited, understandably, she was nervous that she wouldn’t know anyone. We got there and she saw an acquaintance. “Oh, hiiii!!!” I said with warmth and enthusiasm. “It’s sooo good to see youuuu!!”

Rather than looking relieved, my daughter looked really mad—at me. Glaring, she hissed through gritted teeth for me to leave.

Was she mad? Maybe. But what else was under the anger?

I think of the parents who anxiously look at the clock when their teen’s curfew comes and goes. They look at the door, they text, they pace, they imagine all manner of disaster that has befallen their kid. Then the door opens when the teen comes home… and they yell and scream at them.

Are they mad? Maybe. What else?

In DBT, we think of “primary” and “secondary” emotions as a way to help sort it out.

What Emotion Fits Here?

Primary emotions are the feelings that come up directly in response to something that happens. They tend to be quick, instinctive, and closely tied to the situation. They “fit the facts.”

• You break a plate at your friend’s house and you feel guilty.

• A friend cancels plans and you feel disappointed.

• A car swerves unexpectedly into your lane and you feel fear.

These are instances of emotions doing their job. Fear can be an alarm that there’s danger. Sadness signals a loss or things not going as we’d like. Guilt tells us we’ve done damage and need to repair.

Primary emotions are often the most accurate emotional response to a situation…and they’re also often the most vulnerable ones. As we’ve noted before, vulnerability is something many of us were never taught how to tolerate and may feel is threatening. Judgements and rigid thinking may arise that kick up other emotions.

Then the Secondary, Reaction Emotion

Secondary emotions are emotional reactions to our primary emotional response. Instead of simply feeling the emotion that the situation calls for, we jump out of it, into something else (and maybe really quickly).

• You feel moment of guilt, and then decend into shame.

• You feel a flash of disappointment, and frustration shows up.

• You feel scared, and then anger follows close behind.

The secondary emotion isn’t about the event itself. It’s about the feeling or thoughts you had about the event. For many people, this shift happens so quickly that the primary emotion is barely noticeable.

The link between the two is most often a judgment.

• “Ugh! I’m such a clumsy idiot!”

• “She always flakes on me!”

• “This BLEEP doesn’t know how to drive!”

Anger is the most common secondary emotion because it’s energizing and protective. It can feel stronger to be angry than to feel rejected, embarrassed, or afraid. Our brains sometimes substitute anger for those softer feelings without us even realizing it. In that sense, secondary emotions often function like emotional armor…except they’re more likely to cause problems.

The Problem With Secondary Emotions

The problem is that when we only notice the secondary emotion, we can easily misunderstand what we actually need. If I believe I’m just angry at someone, my urge might be to lash out, withdraw, or protect myself. But if the emotion underneath is actually hurt, the real need might be reassurance, repair, or simply validation.

The response that helps anger and the response that helps hurt are often completely different.

This is why conflicts sometimes spiral so quickly. One person is reacting to anger, while the other person is actually experiencing pain.

Both people end up responding to the secondary emotion, not the one underneath.

Learning to Pause

The skill is simple (and difficult!): Pause to ask if there’s a feeling beneath the first one you notice. Notice if there’s a judgment.

Not every emotion has a hidden layer. Sometimes anger really is the primary emotion.

But sometimes the question itself creates space:

What happened right before I felt this? Is there another feeling underneath the one that showed up first?

The primary emotion tends to be quieter and more vulnerable. It’s the difference between “I’m furious” and “That really hurt.”

Applying it to Parenting

Your kids have secondary emotions too—and probably more so, since they’re still figuring out managing emotions and discomfort! When your child lashes out in anger, do the same thing: Pause. For just a second, see if you can identify what other emotion there is. Is it fear? Embarrassment? Hurt?

Don’t jump on the anger! (We know, it’s hard.) If you can start to hypothesize about the primary emotion, it helps you slow down and get more compassionate.

My daughter in the example at the top was really nervous walking into the new environment and was worried about how the other kid (the only one she knew there) would see her. Kids and teens start to care more about how they’re seen socially and get scared of being rejected. Understandable. The anger was secondary. I was a little worried for her too, and confused! If I had snapped back out of my secondary anger, the whole thing would’ve blown up. Which is exactly how so very many conflicts get going.

Pause to notice your kid’s secondary emotion. Pause to catch your own. The more you practice, the stronger you get—and the more connected you feel in the relationship.

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