Ask For What You Want Directly: The Power of DEAR MAN
Here's your recipe for more skillful communication.
Real Talk: A lot of parenting is negotiating with kids whose brains haven’t fully developed. Ever screamed, “Because I said so!”? Or tip-toed around a request, hinting in the direction of what you’d like to be done?
You need the DEAR MAN skill from DBT.
If you’ve ever been exposed to Dialectical Behavior Therapy, you’ve probably caught wind of this solid gold Interpersonal Effectiveness skill. It’s basically a step-by-step guide for “increasing the odds of getting what you want without blowing up the relationship.”
Here’s the acronym for how to use it with your kids, without clinical jargon.
DEAR: The “What” You Do
This is your script. Stick to the structure and you’re less likely to end up arguing about something that happened six months ago.
D – Describe: State the facts. No judgment. No “You always...”
Not helpful: “Your room is a biohazard zone.”
Spot on: “There are three pizza boxes and a pile of wet towels on your floor.”
E – Express: Use “I” statements to say how you feel without blaming them. Validate here.
Example: “I know you’ve been busy lately… and I feel frustrated and overwhelmed when I can’t walk across the room.”
A – Assert: Ask for what you want clearly or say no, observing a limit directly. No hinting. No “It would be nice if...”
Example: “I need you to put the towels in the laundry and the boxes in the trash before dinner.”
R – Reinforce: This is the “What’s in it for them?” portion. Why should they do what you ask? Maybe it’s tangible, like allowance; maybe it’s relational.
Example: “If the floor is clear, I won’t have to nag you during your gaming time later. We’ll both have a much better night.”
MAN: The “How” You Do It
These are the adverbs. If the “DEAR” is the car, the “MAN” is how you drive it.
M – (be) Mindful: Stay on track, focused on your goal. Your kid is going to try to “kitchen sink” you. They’ll bring up your messy desk or the time you forgot their soccer cleats. Don’t bite. Be a broken record. “Yup, I know. Right now we’re talking about the towels.”
A – Appear confident: Stand up straight. Use a steady voice. Even if you are shaking in your boots, fake the confidence of a person who expects to be heard. Ask it as though it’s already been done.
N – Negotiate (if needed): You aren’t a drill sergeant. If they say, “I can’t do it by 6 because I got practice,” be willing to get flexible. “Okay, can you have it done by the time you go to bed?”
Why This Actually Works
Kids (and people in general) tend to shut down when they feel attacked. When you lead with “Clean your room!” or “Are you kidding me with those towels?!”, things are likely to blow up. DEAR MAN removes the “attack” and replaces it with a clear roadmap, based in facts, followed by your own feelings.
Is it 100% absolutely foolproof? Sorry. This is still parenting and there isn’t a clear guaranteed answer. It will, though, be more skillful and be less likely to end in yelling or crying.
Like all the skills we talk about here, the more you do it, the more quickly it comes to you and the easier it gets. Do it again and again until it’s more fluid, even with simple, basic things that aren’t as emotional. “The temperature is getting cooler and I’m starting to feel chilly. Can you close the window? I’d be really grateful.” Easy DEAR MAN on the spot!
There are a thousand ways it gets harder. Of course it does. We’ll keep posting to our free Substack with scripts and skills for how to manage those too. Click to Subscribe and stay tuned!